Spendid way to end the year

I have stopped writing, or least i thought i have. Alot of misfortunate events have followed thus so far, and i havent been able to concentrate nor on work or on personal life. The bleeding from my gums the past few days have been ascertained to be the effects of my third molar, a.k.a wisdom tooth. Got it extracted earlier for a hefty price of 700$! Hopefully my dental budget from work can cover this.

After my extraction i called home. Yes, i was feeling rather homesick then. Incidentally, Dad said he extracted his just a few days back for just a mere RM60. Why such a big difference? {shrugs} Perhaps...oh well, i really cant think of anything to assume.

The bleeding hasnt stop since 6pm. It is now 12:10am. I hope i still can see daylight tomorrow. Doc has given me 3 days to cover for this minor surgery. I was wondering why earlier, now that i'm beginning to feel the sore in the jaw and my forehead warming up than usual. I think i can guess why i was given 3 days.

It looks horrible, when the nurse asked if i wanted to 'take home'. I told her no, then i thought why not. For 'remembrance'. Now, i kinda regretted that decision. How am i gonna dispose of this part of me...down the trash can just dont feel quite right...

7 days later

Days could go by so swiftly whenever you wish it would stand still for abit more. My trip this round could have been better...but i guess i have to try not to be too overly demanding on things. I'm not saying its entirely bad, its rather...well, could have been better. Anyways, a week in a foreign island. Sleeping till almost 10 every morning. Waking up to a buffet breakfast. Walk on the beach. Or just laying on a chair whole noon, getting a good tan with a book and the sea breeze. Moment of tranquility is a rare find these days.

I got a lil seasick on my arrival, the sea was rough and my tummy have been rumbling like the waves beneath the boat that took me. Took me the whole day to recover. I dont remember getting seasick before. This is first. Most days were pretty uneventful...just cruising along the narrow streets around town. Listening to washing waves and the occasional 'peem peem' coming from the local cyclist that do not own a bicycle ringbell.

Bumped into 3 chinese on day 4, they were enquiring at the local travel office while i was there waiting for my pickup to the sunset cruise i've just signed up an hour earlier. They decided to join in for the cruise...for a very simple reason: we speak the same language. And it was that...i ended up having dinner wih 3 newly mets and traded emails and promised we would send our pictures over. The world's a family after all.

I had my first spa experience this round. Wasnt anything fancy i must say. It's just 3 hours of pure endurement. I couldnt help feeling ticklish during the scrub and the oil massage session. I'm gonna pass goin for spa for a long time.

On the return, the flight got delayed for 2 hours. Expected. I'm hoping i can rest a lil bit more in the coming days before work starts. I wouldn't wanna start thinking about work...really...i'm not.

_

The night I left

The airport is bustling with people tonite. Parents. Childrens. Tourists. Locals. All taking advantage of the long weekend to get out of the country. It's half past seven. My flights late again. Announcement was just
made for boarding. By right, we are suppose to be on air by 740pm.

Pre-Vacation Syndromes

1. Emotions flying high, then it could dip all the way till it hits rock bottom. Or maybe just hovering before it hits the bottom. Some joker's getting on my nerve these days. Giggling all the time as if everything is a joke. Grrrrr.

2. Its all about looking good! I started my run today. Yeah. I really THINK it helps.

3. I've been trying to finish off my workload, trying to minimise the list of 'handover' items to send out.

4. To bring or not to bring? I have not come out with a list of what i would like to carry with me (less the essentials, of course). I suppose i'm just waiting till i get home and drag my backpack out of the closet shelf. Then perhaps i'll start thinking. That time to my departure...7hours, 8 the most. Inclusive of sleep time.

5. Ohhh and the list...the other list...my songs. There's only so much i can carry in my 8GB...another time-consuming errand. I'll probably pass on this one.

6. And they finally confirmed my itinerary today! I'm really hoping everything's gonna go according to plan. At least, pls dont let my hotel go wrong, or the flight got delayed...or anything along those lines.

Dinner time. I think my sweats beginning to dry up. Time to hit the shower and gobble down my Mee Goreng Kicap + Chicken Nuggets + Sausages. Yah i know. So much for the run. Thats life for you.


...the weather's not looking too good. I hope its not that accurate. :(

Onward...!

It's coming...and i'm getting excited with each passing day. Its been a while since my last actual break...i'm just hoping for good weather despite it being monsoon...hopefully the sea's not too rough and the sun would shine a lil for me on some days. I'd be the happiest person on earth...and i promise to be good the whole year. It's late again, i'm still not too convinced with my new toy...i've been on an ON/OFF dilemma, trying to convince myself that i did not make a bad decision the other day. Here's some of my judgement calls again...

The day after

...and i thought i could go further to hunt for new stuff to test drive my new machine...i ended up taking the least significant of things...oh well, at least i get some shots done.

My 2nd digital

Sometimes i wonder if i'm that easily convinced, i was out on a hunt for my new camera. I have always wanted to get another Sony. My old one served me 6 long years and i have made a silent agreement to get another of its kind. Then came mr smurf...telling me to get Fujifilm F200. A big piece of device, not pretty but he said it was a great cam with nice underwater casing as well as highly rated night shots.

After all that was said, read, and done. I got myself...out of the blue...a Pentax P70. I have no idea what this camera can do nor even read anything about it prior to visiting the shop. Perhaps it was the salesman's trick or its probably just me, after a few convincing demos, i walked out of the shop...with something which i had no intention of getting in the first place...and 500$ short from my bank account. I'm really hoping i wouldn't regret it.

The Triple As

Agony, Agitation, Anger.

I know this isnt something good to blog about. But i think i have been holding back alot of negativities lately. I'm not sure what has caused all these build ups, but i'm pretty sure this thing is gonna drag me to hell and deeper. I'm losing my sanity, or perhaps not that serious just yet...but i guess its close. The world i live in now is filled up with short bursts of excitements, in which i have been frantically trying to sustain. When all else fail, i would resort to barking. Horrible. I have been trying to surpress for a while now. But the more i do it, the more i feel the need to lash out at the people around me. I've become what i have hated most. Rude, ignorant and self-centered. I just hope i dont stay this way for the rest of my life. Or its gonna be a long and lonely journey ahead...

Quiet

After a long running Saturday, today i got struck by a sudden quietness. Like a stream of clouds that has suddenly moved in, above my head...lingering...

Spending a quiet noon in the office, trying to catch up with what i have lost during the week. A strange mixture of feelings. I hate work and yet i'm sort of...enjoying this tranquil moment. Someone has been kind enough to let the air conditioning run. Its getting rather chilly.

Apart from the occasional footsteps from Mrs Softy Rice, walking about...the whole office seems bare. I'm hoping I would be able to find some motivation to get this piece of work out of the way. But things have been crawling lately, it's hard to find the strength to pull things through. I need some steam. Something that could carry me or a certain rush that could push me forward. Perhaps things have been pretty stagnant lately. Morale is running on its low again.

Aunt and Girl came over yesterday, i was with them for the entire of yesterday. Brought them over to Scotts for a buffet lunch then we headed over to Science Centre for a tour and a movie. I haven't been spending much time with family for a while. Listening to Aunt as she recounts the events back home...there's so much I've missed not being around. Yet, my life is here now. Reality has no room for uncertainty. Until the day i can truly let go of everything, i shall be forever bound by the cruelty of modern day life.

Waking up on sunset

On this day, i've slept till close to 4 in the evening. Pretty much missed out the chance for a bright and beautiful Sunday. And not to mention its Mom's day. Shows how filial i've been so far. I should have called earlier. And when i did call just now, i couldnt bring her the news that i've went out drinking last nite and came home only at around 2am. I'm so gonna go down.

I woke up pretty early yesterday, it's been a while since i've planned any outings like this. It all started from a banner on i saw on the streets of Orchard.



From thereon, i was rather determined that i'll whip up something. Life's been picking up a lil lately...and i needed some extra boost. A dimsum breakfast, a visit to the museum and a karaoke session seem to be a good fit. That carried my Saturday into late evening, when another friend suggested for a korean bbq dinner. A fun-filled Saturday...with grilled meat on the table and korean wine to go with...there's no reason to believe why we aren't getting high on our heels. We were pretty much done early, it could have been only 9...the rest took their cabs home. While i still hover around, walking the streets with a half-drunk friend. I cant recall much of the details, we could have walked a few hundred meters, took a train or two...and we ended up with 2 movie tickets to StarTrek. Someone's still feeling high and joyful over the idea of being slightly numb in the brain and watching a movie at the same time. Well, gotta admit...i kinda liked the idea too. That was probably the reason why i slept till this time.

It's almst 5 in the evening. I've just had a few sips from my ribena pack...and 3 slices of my already expired-from-two-days-ago Gardenia. And i wonder if i should go out and get early dinner...I had turn down two calls for dinner to make room for RAID. Hopefully i'll get some good loots tonite...wooootsie!

Letting go...

I've heard the saying before...though i've never given in much serious thought. "By truely letting go, you shall find happiness." Often, we find and create our own misery. We dig our own bottomless pit and we throw ourselves into it. Then we helplessly wail for help, frantically yelling and reaching out for the invisible hands...hoping someone would come rescue us. There won't be any; even if there are...these hands would not be able to drag us out of the pit. The strength of a thousand won't do. We are authors of our own demise.

To think further back, not so long ago i was feeling frustrated over work. Too much to do at work, too little personal time. I kept complaining...and i wasn't happy. Then one day i told my boss frankly, I'm not willing anymore. She asked me why. And she gave me a typical piece of asian mentality "Why?, you are at your prime. Early 30s. No family. It's the best time to strive for your career". And i went "Wow.", in my mind. I bet most people would think that too. But I dont buy that piece. Career or not. Your life is your define. Though this may be applied on everyone, it does not have to be mine. I'm not trying to go against the world...but i'm just trying to live a life, where i define my own 'happiness'...not what others tell me happiness should be. I'm not gonna fool myself to think that i'll be happy too if i follow what everybody else is doing. Anyway, from then on...i got lesser to do. I just need to spend my committed time in office and be worry free after(Ok, not entirely...but at least, its alot better than before). I might have condemned myself and my future here, but if this is what an organization sees in its employee, this won't be the future that i would like to have either. An organization that 'feeds' on the extra hours of its employee to acknowledge them on their work is not an ideal place that i would spend the rest of my working life at. They like to use the word PASSION, i say its ABUSE.

A friend was asking me yesterday, why do i feel all good of a sudden. He too was having some issues and he wants to know how to get out of it. I couldn't give him an answer then. I guess it all just happend. Like a clear mind after a long flu. Infections are gone...and so has the cloud in the coffee.

D.

I have not seen D for a while now. At times i kinda miss D.

The laughs, the joy and everything that we shared in common...but we both have our own agendas now. D is no longer around anymore. Or at least, not as much as I would like to have it. Whenever i think about it, i miss it some. A slight prick...like an occasional jolt in the heart. Nothing unbearable...just an annoyance that distracts you when you least expect it.

The feeling may come again...but i know...things may not feel the same anymore. Perhaps it is time to lay down. Like everything that we carry in life...along the way, there ought to be a time...a time when we have to learn to let go. I dont think i'll be able to drop it in a snap...i can never do such a thing; but i'm gonna try releasing my grasp slowly. Till the day i can truly be free from these feelings, I'll post to remind myself of the journey. Maybe by then I will find it difficult...trying to feel what i'm feeling right now.

Hey Mood

I'm feeling good today. I dont know how long it has been. All i can remember that it has been a long long time. You dont visit often these days. At least with your good self. But today, it is something that i would finally enjoy. Reading a good book. Listening to a favourite tune. Or even writing a piece of something that i'd actually post. It's like enjoying a great outdoor shower in a warm summer's day, with cold water pouring down my head, eyes close...while i savour every single moment. The clear blue sky, the bright sun, not a single soul in a thousand miles. Only me and you alone. I hope you'll stay for a while more this time.

Dear Lie

Sometimes i wonder, what does it takes to build a relationship? Be it friends, your spouse, your parents, your children or even your co-worker? Of all things that matter, i believe most explanations would fall under the word - TRUST. But how truthful can we be?

Most of the time, we plunged into our own deceptions, into lies, into doubts... Relationship is a complication. A mind game that we play among ourselves. For instance, if a friend would lie to you on the smallest matter, perhaps when u found out...and even though to you, it may seem like something small...you would ask yourself...why would someone lie over such trivial matter? It may not have mattered to you, but perhaps to them...it does; why would they even bother if it does not? Questions...and more questions...perhaps its just human....to lie is to make life happier. A shroud of grey may sometimes be...intriguing.

If it took my 30 years to understand this simple life philosophy, i suppose i better make a huge mental note and stick it permanently within my conscious mind. Often times, to think back...on a self-reflective note...i do that too...i'm gonna give up playing saint here, but mostly we do care about how people look at us and feel about us.

I can keep spinning forever on this...but as of now, i think i'm just gonna conclude...people lie for very good reasons, and often times...it might be for an even greater cause. As long as it does not cause us any harm in any way, ignorance can be ...bliss.

On this day

...my first step into the thirties begins. I guess the first obvious thing about growing older is the change in oneself. Something apparent. MORE Signs of greying hair, veiny hands and fingers, dehydration: lips/skin...felt like i'm wearing a permanent suit made from old tree bark and perhaps also occasional volcanic emotional bursts. Hmmm...sounded like it's some crazy nightmare comes true. Anyhow...moving on...

tis the day to be jolly. At least, on the bright side...i'm not at work and the weather's good for a start. There's finally some moving air. A small gust of wind was just blowing into my room earlier on when i throw open the window for some sunlight.

I didnt get to bed till 4 this morning. Part of me just dont feel like sleeping the night away. I got up at 10. Thanks to my mom calling. And i have been surfing, downloading podcasts and watching videos since. Its close to 1pm now, and i'm due to meet up with a friend for lunch. Celebrating both our big day on the same day. Gonna head out to Orchard for lunch...and to spend some cash.

Along the crooked line

Haven't been writing much of late, at times when i did...the posts never get posted. Most of them are still sitting in my draft and some i might have discarded them without a second thought. Too much have been going on lately. My mind wasn't as focused anymore. Not that it was much before, but i'm just trying to say that...things have gotten a lil bit unbalanced. Too much work, too much game...to little time left to think...to visualize. Haha...i guess that makes writing even harder.

Anyway, after my Friday break and the undisturbed weekend. I'm feeling alot better. A walk outside and dinner with some friends helped. And picking something nice to read helps too. Was browsing at the bookstore today in the terminal and picked up something nice. Something...different than my usual read. All this while, whenever i lose my cool on things, reading sorta help calm things down a lil. They say Tuesdays with Morris is an inspiration. I have not started flipping yet. It got my friend who doesnt read much hooked for an hour or more, i guess whatever they say might be true after all.

The one that got fried

I'll be out of wow and pretty much everything for the next week or so. Laptop's at service center. Same issue with my old one - mainboard's fried. Only this time, I'm slightly on the better side of luck, it's still under warranty. My last one had to sit in the corner of my room for the past 2 years till i sold it off to a junk shop for a mere 200RM recently. It's either laptops these days dont last that long, or it's probably just me and my heavy usage. Gonna dump 99$ into my 3rd year warranty after this. My best buddy for the coming weekend would be my long-abandoned psp, which i've recently spent 20$ getting it 'fixed' to allow unlimited 'gameplay'. Ohhh also my first 3 episodes of Friends on my iPhone. Gotta have to 'manage' them wisely. :)

It's all in the books

As the world spirals into a chaotic twist of financial turmoil...the people fumbles upon their feet as they scratch on the floor, digging through dirt for a hope to strike gold. In any given institution, this is the time when you need to justify your very own existence. Resources have been thin, budgets were slashed. People in need to find reasons to keep them at their desks. At this time, courtesy will not put food on your table.

Lately, a pattern is beginning to emerge...it's either you don't do or you do it with a price. I observed a few, in their desperate move to secure a deal...even for a simple request which would take half day at most; they would lashed out to their requester with a knife and ask them to pay for that small effort.
Though some of them may not deserve the sympathy, there are truly some that are helpless beyond measure. Their departments have been sucked dry, they are out funds and they are now begging at your doorsteps, hoping that you would do them a small favor. Yet, the plea goes unanswered.

As i sink myself into the situation, I'm preparing for the many more wonderful episodes to come...this is gonna be a long season.

Lonely On Valentine's Eve

I've been trying to lay low for the occasion. Being 'single' on such a day isn't something that you would wanna blared about. The more subtle it is, the better. Anyhow, it is just a day. And it's even better if it's on the weekend, you can just pretend that you have never existed at all. Hide away from the world and you can live through another day without having to face the cruel fact that you are actually...less than a couple.

...or at least, that would be ideal thing to do. But life is not always ideal...

It is work again that pulled me out from my hiding. I'd rather be caught hanging out with my bachelor friends on this day, than to be seen walking around in office. Though those that get to see me in office probably aren't in any better situation either...still, it doesn't feel that right.

I never really talked much about work on here before...only until this particular one. My last few posts have been all about it.
Like the ad says Your Calling is Calling , i think i can hear mine already.
Happy Valentine's.

The Story of Ah BAN

Once there was a man named Ah Ban. He was a simple-minded, happy-go-lucky guy. Never having to worry about his life. His day job was simple. Starts at 9. Ends at 6 or 7 every evening. During the day, he just perform whatever that he was told. From 1 to 10, A to Z...all will be detailed down for him to the last tiny bit of instruction. With his single-minded nature, he would not be able to spot a missing step or if the instruction was indeed correct. He follows a simple life philosophy - if the instruction is wrong, so will be the outcome.

Days went by, and Ah Ban at times would grow frustrated over his small existance at his work place. He would throw some short tantrums and continues doing nothing. Or refuse to accept any work being assigned to him. But usually by the next day, he'll turn out to be ok again. And that went on for 3 long years. People around him have either gave up on him or just use him for running some simple errands that would require anybody with a good pair of arms and legs. He might be simple, but he ain't stupid. He knows...but he couldn't care less either.

Today, he finally digged up some courage. He told the world that he is going to leave. A new ship is willing to take him on board and he's determined to set off to a new land with a new start. Let's hope he would end up being a captain someday and not sweeping the deck again.

Judgements

For one, i've heard alot of stories about how 'female'(even if you're a female) someone can be if you have the slightest intention to watch the recent Sex and the City show. I was abit skeptical at first. One fine day, i found it on someone's harddisk and thought i'd quietly copy that out and watch them during one of my 'quiet' nites and never tell a soul. Turns out...this show, if you are able to look deeper...below all the shinies, you'll find a really good storyline. Story about friends and love and all the things that's happening in our real, daily life. I'm gonna have to learn to be more ignorant & less typical. A new year's resolution, if its not already too late.

Next, i have an old friend which i've known for years. Recently, maybe due to the changes in one's life. Character may become...mmmm...annoying. Babbling away everyday and night about the stuff one's wanting to do. I was trying to be supportive mostly, but i ran out of fuel after 2-3weeks. When the same thing happen couple of days ago, i was really at lost of words. I dont feel like repeating myself anymore. I'm just tired. I felt like an awful friend. Times like this, i should have put in more effort and be more considerate. But i dont want to be pretentious at the same time. What could be worse than faking in front of your old friend? Perhaps, i should make it a point to learn...how to deal with such situation, gracefully.

On third, well...its finally some happy news...i'm goin back home tonight...wooohooooooooooooo! Something which i have been waiting for, for a while. Hopefully with the new year and all the earthly good things to come...i'll feel alot different when i get back to work in Feb.

till the next lunar year...adios.

What are we?

Working in such an environment, day in day out...you see People. All sorts of people.

Some would sniffle around, like old dogs with an alert nose...they can pick your stench from far away. They can tell if you're gonna make it big someday or if you'll just waste 20 years here and still sitting at your old cubicle. You can see their eyes shine when they look you in the eyes, words that comes out from their droopy lips are usually fake-sounding. They smile and get really friendly with you. But deep down inside, only a very minor percentage are sincere.

Some just sit there the whole day, doing their stuff...afraid to comment about anything, thinking they would lose their job if they dare to part those lips. These...are usually those people that have been sitting in the same cubicle for the past 20 years. Those that dont make it. But at least, they get to keep their jobs till today. And it's probably a wise thing to do. Occasionally, they would roll eyes up while keeping their heads down whenever there are people talking. But they will still remain quiet. Deep down inside, i'm pretty sure they have got things to say...but reality bites them the hardest. Most of them have a few smaller mouths they have to feed back home. Who could blame them?

Others belong to the reptile category. These are spineless thieves that we should all be very careful not to trifle with. Whenever they catch a glimpse of victory, they will come marching in with their best outfit and most resounding shouts. Whenever there's a puddle of poo, they would also be the first to high-tail out of the scene, leaving no trace of their existence. Clever and smart-witted snakes. Some can be poisonous too though most are toothless, only good at the ancient art of tai-chi.

What i've become...? I am slowly falling into one of the above. For i fear, i no longer have the will nor the energy to resist. The dark side has taken hold of my soul. I think i'm gonna rot in the bottomless pit and never find redemption.