My 2nd digital

Sometimes i wonder if i'm that easily convinced, i was out on a hunt for my new camera. I have always wanted to get another Sony. My old one served me 6 long years and i have made a silent agreement to get another of its kind. Then came mr smurf...telling me to get Fujifilm F200. A big piece of device, not pretty but he said it was a great cam with nice underwater casing as well as highly rated night shots.

After all that was said, read, and done. I got myself...out of the blue...a Pentax P70. I have no idea what this camera can do nor even read anything about it prior to visiting the shop. Perhaps it was the salesman's trick or its probably just me, after a few convincing demos, i walked out of the shop...with something which i had no intention of getting in the first place...and 500$ short from my bank account. I'm really hoping i wouldn't regret it.

The Triple As

Agony, Agitation, Anger.

I know this isnt something good to blog about. But i think i have been holding back alot of negativities lately. I'm not sure what has caused all these build ups, but i'm pretty sure this thing is gonna drag me to hell and deeper. I'm losing my sanity, or perhaps not that serious just yet...but i guess its close. The world i live in now is filled up with short bursts of excitements, in which i have been frantically trying to sustain. When all else fail, i would resort to barking. Horrible. I have been trying to surpress for a while now. But the more i do it, the more i feel the need to lash out at the people around me. I've become what i have hated most. Rude, ignorant and self-centered. I just hope i dont stay this way for the rest of my life. Or its gonna be a long and lonely journey ahead...

Quiet

After a long running Saturday, today i got struck by a sudden quietness. Like a stream of clouds that has suddenly moved in, above my head...lingering...

Spending a quiet noon in the office, trying to catch up with what i have lost during the week. A strange mixture of feelings. I hate work and yet i'm sort of...enjoying this tranquil moment. Someone has been kind enough to let the air conditioning run. Its getting rather chilly.

Apart from the occasional footsteps from Mrs Softy Rice, walking about...the whole office seems bare. I'm hoping I would be able to find some motivation to get this piece of work out of the way. But things have been crawling lately, it's hard to find the strength to pull things through. I need some steam. Something that could carry me or a certain rush that could push me forward. Perhaps things have been pretty stagnant lately. Morale is running on its low again.

Aunt and Girl came over yesterday, i was with them for the entire of yesterday. Brought them over to Scotts for a buffet lunch then we headed over to Science Centre for a tour and a movie. I haven't been spending much time with family for a while. Listening to Aunt as she recounts the events back home...there's so much I've missed not being around. Yet, my life is here now. Reality has no room for uncertainty. Until the day i can truly let go of everything, i shall be forever bound by the cruelty of modern day life.

Waking up on sunset

On this day, i've slept till close to 4 in the evening. Pretty much missed out the chance for a bright and beautiful Sunday. And not to mention its Mom's day. Shows how filial i've been so far. I should have called earlier. And when i did call just now, i couldnt bring her the news that i've went out drinking last nite and came home only at around 2am. I'm so gonna go down.

I woke up pretty early yesterday, it's been a while since i've planned any outings like this. It all started from a banner on i saw on the streets of Orchard.



From thereon, i was rather determined that i'll whip up something. Life's been picking up a lil lately...and i needed some extra boost. A dimsum breakfast, a visit to the museum and a karaoke session seem to be a good fit. That carried my Saturday into late evening, when another friend suggested for a korean bbq dinner. A fun-filled Saturday...with grilled meat on the table and korean wine to go with...there's no reason to believe why we aren't getting high on our heels. We were pretty much done early, it could have been only 9...the rest took their cabs home. While i still hover around, walking the streets with a half-drunk friend. I cant recall much of the details, we could have walked a few hundred meters, took a train or two...and we ended up with 2 movie tickets to StarTrek. Someone's still feeling high and joyful over the idea of being slightly numb in the brain and watching a movie at the same time. Well, gotta admit...i kinda liked the idea too. That was probably the reason why i slept till this time.

It's almst 5 in the evening. I've just had a few sips from my ribena pack...and 3 slices of my already expired-from-two-days-ago Gardenia. And i wonder if i should go out and get early dinner...I had turn down two calls for dinner to make room for RAID. Hopefully i'll get some good loots tonite...wooootsie!

Letting go...

I've heard the saying before...though i've never given in much serious thought. "By truely letting go, you shall find happiness." Often, we find and create our own misery. We dig our own bottomless pit and we throw ourselves into it. Then we helplessly wail for help, frantically yelling and reaching out for the invisible hands...hoping someone would come rescue us. There won't be any; even if there are...these hands would not be able to drag us out of the pit. The strength of a thousand won't do. We are authors of our own demise.

To think further back, not so long ago i was feeling frustrated over work. Too much to do at work, too little personal time. I kept complaining...and i wasn't happy. Then one day i told my boss frankly, I'm not willing anymore. She asked me why. And she gave me a typical piece of asian mentality "Why?, you are at your prime. Early 30s. No family. It's the best time to strive for your career". And i went "Wow.", in my mind. I bet most people would think that too. But I dont buy that piece. Career or not. Your life is your define. Though this may be applied on everyone, it does not have to be mine. I'm not trying to go against the world...but i'm just trying to live a life, where i define my own 'happiness'...not what others tell me happiness should be. I'm not gonna fool myself to think that i'll be happy too if i follow what everybody else is doing. Anyway, from then on...i got lesser to do. I just need to spend my committed time in office and be worry free after(Ok, not entirely...but at least, its alot better than before). I might have condemned myself and my future here, but if this is what an organization sees in its employee, this won't be the future that i would like to have either. An organization that 'feeds' on the extra hours of its employee to acknowledge them on their work is not an ideal place that i would spend the rest of my working life at. They like to use the word PASSION, i say its ABUSE.

A friend was asking me yesterday, why do i feel all good of a sudden. He too was having some issues and he wants to know how to get out of it. I couldn't give him an answer then. I guess it all just happend. Like a clear mind after a long flu. Infections are gone...and so has the cloud in the coffee.

D.

I have not seen D for a while now. At times i kinda miss D.

The laughs, the joy and everything that we shared in common...but we both have our own agendas now. D is no longer around anymore. Or at least, not as much as I would like to have it. Whenever i think about it, i miss it some. A slight prick...like an occasional jolt in the heart. Nothing unbearable...just an annoyance that distracts you when you least expect it.

The feeling may come again...but i know...things may not feel the same anymore. Perhaps it is time to lay down. Like everything that we carry in life...along the way, there ought to be a time...a time when we have to learn to let go. I dont think i'll be able to drop it in a snap...i can never do such a thing; but i'm gonna try releasing my grasp slowly. Till the day i can truly be free from these feelings, I'll post to remind myself of the journey. Maybe by then I will find it difficult...trying to feel what i'm feeling right now.

Hey Mood

I'm feeling good today. I dont know how long it has been. All i can remember that it has been a long long time. You dont visit often these days. At least with your good self. But today, it is something that i would finally enjoy. Reading a good book. Listening to a favourite tune. Or even writing a piece of something that i'd actually post. It's like enjoying a great outdoor shower in a warm summer's day, with cold water pouring down my head, eyes close...while i savour every single moment. The clear blue sky, the bright sun, not a single soul in a thousand miles. Only me and you alone. I hope you'll stay for a while more this time.